I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
