Don't make out with my wife yet
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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