I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
