the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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