Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
