your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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