when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
