.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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