I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
