my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
