Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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