if i can run in heels then i can drive
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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