apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
