i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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