ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
