Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
you had me at cake vodka
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
