I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hippo gnu deer
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
