Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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