What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
