I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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