So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We are all done wearing pants today
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
