Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
