So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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