So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
