Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
