If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Randomize
