tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
