I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
