Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
