I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
two words...techno handjob
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
