I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
