I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
