the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
