i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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