Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
