bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
