my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
