so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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