You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
