Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
