New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
