that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
time to smoke my breakfast
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
