Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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