I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
