forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
