If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
