i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
