Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
