Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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