Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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