I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
